tygr20

I HATE commercials.

*4 people ride in a car, Biz Markie’s ‘Just A Friend’ blares on the radio*

Guy in the back, wearing his sunglasses at night:

“I said, “How do you like the show?”
She said, “I was very amused”
I started throwin’ bass, she started throwin’ back mid-range
But when I sprung the question, she acted kind of strange
[Unexplainable jump in the song to a different verse]

Blonde girl who has clearly had a bit too much:

I called her room, a guy picked up, and then I called again
I said, “Yo, who was that?” “Oh, he’s just a friend”
Don’t gimme that, don’t even gimme that

The cab driver cranks up a stereo that’s nicer than the one in any vehicle I’ve ever owned. All, cab driver included:

OH BABY YOU, YOU GOT WHAT I NEEEEED
BUT YOU SAY HE’S JUST A FRIEND
YOU SAY HE’S JUST A FRIEND

The commercial closes with “Let a stranger drive you home.” and the following screen explains it’s a Heineken commercial.

Here’s the actual commercial if you haven’t seen it:

Let’s get a few things out: Do not, ever, under any circumstances, let just ANY stranger drive you home. This is how date rape happens. Make sure that this person is a professional cab driver, bus driver, train operator, or if available, cable car or rickshaw driver.

I mean, I get the message of the commercial, but let’s consider facts:

The guy in the front seat. He’s turned around, jamming with his friends. He’s wearing sunglasses, and it’s night time. TAKE ‘EM OFF.

In the back, we have our other guy with his sunglasses, rapping along with Biz Markie. Again: sunglasses are to be worn in the SUN. That’s why they’re named as such.

We’ve also got the two girls, possibly their girlfriends, maybe random bar chicks, maybe just a couple of gals sharing the fare with the guys. None of these people really interest me.

What’s interesting is the cab driver. Let’s assume he’s driving your typical American yellow cab.

What is this guy doing with bass speakers and a sweet-ass stereo in this thing? I mean, I understand it’s where he works, and I’d love to have something like that if I’m working in the car all day, but seriously- this guy has a $1500 stereo setup in his cab. Come on. And how many of you have ever been in a cab where the driver wants to hear more than “15th & S Broadway,” and “Keep the change”? I can’t see grandpa not only listening to Biz Markie, much less singing along.

Now, I understand the concept of the commercial: “Don’t drink and drive.” I appreciate Heineken asking its consumers to be responsible, but come on, guys, let’s make it a real commercial. Let’s re-cut it.

*4 clearly drunk people pile into a cab*

Driver:

“Where to?”

Spokesman for the group:

“1500 block of Elm Street, thanks.”

Apart from general “Oh man I am so wasted” discussion, the remainder of the trip is silence, save for twice when Bucky has to stop the cab to hurl, twice. The cab driver is ignoring them, thinking, “You drunk bastards.” They arrive, and the driver speaks again:

“14.63.”

Spokesman for the group hands him a $20:

“Keep the change.”

As the commercial is fading out, a black screen with white text merely reads, “Don’t Drink And Drive, Douchebags.”(A slogan sure to sweep the nation) Your message is delivered, and I’m not sitting here wondering how many people hop into a cab with a CD that fortunately the driver not only has, but knows well enough to sing along to.

The other commercial that’s really on my nerves right now is a Christmas one for Target. The family is obviously opening their gifts, when mom unwraps a new plasma TV(already out of the packaging, mind you). Here, watch it, because even if you’ve seen it, this one might not ring a bell:

First things first: I’d like to call out “dad.” Dad says, “I thought we weren’t gonna spend too much…” right in front of the kids. Come on, Dad, you nearly ruined Christmas for Becky and little Stevie. You know Santa brought that TV.

Secondly, you don’t give a shit how much that TV cost. Your wife just brought home a new 42”+ plasma TV. The only things you’re thinking right now are A) “Modern Warfare 2. I’m going to see the heads pop off of those people in the airport. THIS IS AWESOME.” and B) “Come Sunday, I’m not leaving that couch. Oh, man, I gotta call Frank, the Super Bowl party is at MY house this year!”

Third: When Dad is feigning his frugality and putting cream cheese on his bagel, Mom busts out “Maybe Santa doesn’t need any help doing Santa’s job.” Mom: you are trying to create a scene in front of the kids at this point. Either shut it, or go with Dad out to the garage to have your throw down over how much money “Santa” should be spending at Christmas. You can tell Mom is a little passive-agressive, and her kids are going to be horrified when Dad snaps and plunges that butter knife into her eye.

I mean, why can’t commercials just come out and say what they mean anymore? Why do the messages have to be cleverly disguised? If I have a message to get out, the last thing I want is to detract from that message, be it “Don’t drink and drive” or “Santa shops Target for their ZOMG DEALS” or “Go to YouTube, subscribed to tygr20 and watch his hamster video that he’s trying to get up over 500k views.” Commercials have turned into college projects. These are two of the popular ones on my nerves right now. Let me ask though, what commercials do you hate?